The Dream of the Violin

So what's with the lack of posts?  Am I writing?  Am I avoiding writing?  What is going on here?

Well, truth is, I've been writing off and on.  I've been raising two little girls and working, and cooking, and paying bills, and cleaning when I have the time, and thinking ever so much about my book and when I will have time to finish it.

The good news is that I've been able to write a good portion more of my book this last month when I took time off work, dropped the children at Grammy and Grandpapa's house, and spent a week in Northern Michigan writing and relaxing and reading.

When I first went up North, I had 37 MS Word document pages completed of my novel.  After 5 days up North, in which one day I spent out on the water fishing with my husband and father-in-law, I had 57 pages completed.  

The sad part is that since I've been back, I've gotten nothing done, other than within my head.  It sucks, but that's life with two children under three and a job that you come home to only to find that it's all about to change.

One thing I still haven't learned is how to write when I'm truly stressed.  I stress easily, but these last four weeks since the trip have been truly stressful.  It is only now that I find that I can finally shake off most of this stress and open my mind to creativity and originality.

I spent this last week reading here and there when I can, looking up ideas for Christmas programs for my church, and making Halloween decorations and putting them all together.  I've even been sitting down to the piano and plunked out some tunes and dreamed of getting out my violin, dusting it off and playing.  That's how I know:

I'm ready to sit down and write again.

When I want nothing more than to pull all my creativity out of myself, I am ready to write.  At least, that's when the best of my writing comes out.

So what am I going to do this week while I await news on the job front?  I'm going to write.  I'm going to add as many pages as I can to my manuscript before I am called back to the office.  I have to.  I don't know how much time I'll be given, and even more, if I don't hear back from the office soon, I will just have to start looking elsewhere, which becomes it's own stressful animal; one I may have to learn to tame and write as I go.

Anyhow, so that is what the world is like for me at the moment. 

If I want to do this, for real (which I've been realizing more and more for myself is what I indeed want desperately), I must do it now.  And leave no breath wasted, no moment unrealized and un-utilized.  Not to go fast, but to slow down and let the words come.  Let them flow through my body and into my fingertips, spilling out onto the keyboard so that a mass of story in its raw and naked form appears before me on the screen.

I cannot wait to see what these last three years have gestated.  My final goal of the year is to finish it by the year's end.

To see it complete, before I tear it apart and re-sew it together.

The Frailty of Life

It has been a difficult two weeks or so for my family.  My husband's grandmother passed away on Easter Sunday following a difficult stay in the hospital wrought with the demand of the family making difficult decisions about her care.  This week has been hard in many ways as it always is.  But on this side of the funeral, though we still grieve, we feel the light of the day and we're embracing it as much as we can.

Seeing those who were her family, her children, was particularly difficult and now having two of my own children, I understand so much more.  At least, it feels that way.  There are always a number of things that pass through your mind when something like this happens in life; one being the realization that barring something tragic happening to me, I will face the same day when I will have to say goodbye to my mother. And I know now that I'm not ready at all for that. 

But death is as much a part of life as anything else.  It happens to all of us at some point, but that makes it all the more precious and wonderful.  Realizing this and remembering this (which is part of the key), allows us to move forward and make life as sweet and beautiful as it can be.  Following this path is part of the beauty I want to partake in, so I've been trying to set aside time in particular for writing and reading these last few days. 

I've written more this week and I've read more this week.  I'm so excited to do this more and more.  It's my "me" time in many ways, and I can't think of a better way to indulge myself.  While most women indulge in chocolate (I've done that on occasion) or shopping or something of the sort, I'm a bookworm through and through.  That is where my heart and soul truly lie, within the written word. 

So forgive me for the shortness of this entry, but there is much I must do. 

I leave you with another untitled poem from long ago.  This one was written on January 8, 2008:

here i discover
spinning colors
combining
                 separating
a breathless carousel
twirling
            unfurling
a kaleidoscope of stained glass
and delicate wings

Making the Time

My goal for reading at least a little bit everyday is most definitely being achieved.  However, when it comes to writing, I'm finding at times that access to my computer is severely limited.  Because my computer is in a separate room from the rest of the house (originally planned for quiet writing time), I'm never in there unless I'm looking for paperwork.  So I guess I have two options: write in a regular notebook or journal again or move my computer somewhere more open and make the conscious effort to write even if my little ones are running around behind me.

Fortunately for me, we're turning what is now the office into a guest room so this computer will be moved out of this room in a very short period of time anyhow.  Unfortunately for me, this means that my television will now be my monitor and this computer will be the family computer.  So this means if someone wants to watch a movie or a show, I can't write.  At least, I can't write on my computer.

It's beneficial that I really love to write in notebooks and journals.  But it's not as beneficial when it takes longer to write out a thought which sometimes leads me to forget "strokes of genius" wordplay, or rather, my thoughts in general.  Has that ever happened to you?  For myself, I tend to find these wonderful words coming into my head and many times my brain goes faster than my hand and I just can't seem to keep up which always seems to frustrate me when I can't remember a thought that occurred just seconds ago.  And most times it is because my brain has already moved on to the next thought.

I'm at a crossroads of sorts, it seems.  There are pros and cons to both situations, and my choice of options is more than likely going to have to be both.  I'm going to write on the computer when I can and get as much in as I can, but having that notebook around is going to help when I can't be on or near a computer.  Honestly, I've realized that as a writer, it's foolish of me to not have a notebook handy for those times when I get an idea or a stream of story and I don't record it.  If I could count the stories and ideas that are lost into the oblivion of my subconscious, I know I would be appalled. 

I guess I've found a new sub-goal: to carry around a journal and writing utensil (which for a writer should always be a permanent ink of some sort) when out and about and have one close at hand at home.  The trick is going to be keeping my almost two year old from becoming overly interested in it.  That is going to be a fun challenge.

As for my reading, I'm currently reading book 2 of The Brotherband Chronicles: The Invaders.  John Flanagan is a writer I discovered probably about 2 years ago, which is a shame I took so long to discover him.  I was always intrigued by his first series called The Ranger's Apprentice, and finally, while in Borders one day, I picked up the first book and read the first few chapters.  That was all it took.  I was hooked.  I now own the entire RA series and all three of the current published books of his new series: The Brotherband Chronicles.

I believe I may have mentioned in an early blog entry that I am attracted to young adult, teen, and children's books.  I've tried reading adult fiction and though some of the books are indeed wonderful, I find more misses than hits in the adult section and the exact opposite in fiction meant for a younger audience.  It helps that this is what I tend to write as well.  And one of the best ways to hone your writing is to read in the venue of what you write and learn from those who have walked the publishing roads before you.

Come to think of it, I think I've given you a list of favorite authors of mine, but not favorite books or poems.  So perhaps that will be a future entry.  In fact, let me know if you have any requests or questions about me or even things you might want to see in this blog.  I always encourage outside thoughts and opinions, especially on blog entries.  It's definitely the most challenging part of blogging: coming up with things to address or discuss and keep it interesting at the same time.

Let's reiterate my goals for the month: read a little everyday, write a little everyday, and in the meantime, get in the habit of keeping a journal at hand for those times when I just can't get to my computer.