Meanwhile back in the States...

Sometimes you have to just get into the groove to get into the mood to create some words.  Yes, I am listening to music again.  What made you guess?

Extra points if you can guess the song.

I didn't get too much done yesterday. I felt too moody to really accomplish anything.  That and again, this is the chapter where I got very excited, but I also realized how much I still need to edit.  It feels sometimes like there's not much to be done.  Then I get into it and realize that there is still so very much.  I will say that I was quite pleased with myself when I got to a page and said to myself, "Why didn't I elaborate on this scene, stretch it out, and really show the characters in their element?"

"Oh yeah," I told myself, "I meant to make a note that it needed to be 'puffed up' and I never did." Then I thought for a moment. "Wow, I cannot believe I'm on the same wavelength as myself all those months ago."

It's like we're the same mind!

Okay, lame, I know. But I have to appreciate that my brain is good for something in this instance.  I always tell myself I will remember certain things and then I immediately forget. I mean, you are talking to someone who lost a new credit card for 2 months in my sock drawer!

But I remembered, and I saw the scene in my head just as clearly in my mind as back then.  If not, a little clearer. 

So, yes, I'm quite anxious to get back to it.  And again, on the other end of the thread, I am a little resistant to just how much my work is cut out for me in this last half of my book. 

I can say that, I am officially half way through this draft.  Weehaw! I'm ready to do this. Now I just need the music to take me there. 

Hey, while I'm wondering on mine for the evening, what music are you into? What makes you ponder or simply relax? I am always eager to discover new artists and muses.

A Certain Little Boy

The calming music goes on and here I am writing once more.  Simply because a certain little boy will not go to sleep. I'm hoping Chopin is lulling to him.  Only time will tell.

My guest for this evening.

I'll be honest. I was planning to flake off on everything tonight. I don't know why.  Today just seems to be a difficult day all around.  It's a mixture of a lot of things. Regardless, I just wanted a day to tell myself that I control everything with this, with my book. 

That and I've hit another difficult line in my book.  Editing can flow like writing, did you know that? I was doing so well.  And then I cam to the part I looked forward to most of all, and I hesitated.  Now suddenly I'm here and I'm unsure of myself all over again.

It's amazing how much of a see-saw I am.  Two steps forward, three steps forward, run, run, run, and then stop.  Go back now. Take it all back.  Because none of that was worth it.  Okay now one step forward, then another, another.  Take three more, now four, keep moving.  Wait, go back.  Ugh, what dance is this? I'm completely lost now.

This is my head.  Welcome to me.  Ugh, it's not as pretty as I make it out to be.  I try. Oh, do I try. But I always come to the difficulty, and I quake. 

A certain little man has now run back into his room. I get your game little one.  Make Mommy stop and write. Get 'er done, Mom. 

Thanks, little man.  Even if it sucks, I guess I'll try anyway.  Keep moving forward.  Just set your pace so you don't fall so hard.

No Expectations, No Regrets

Every day that I update, I get more excited, but I also feel more anticipation, more expectation, the pedestal begins to be built.  I hate pedestals.  I build them up under myself and eventually I tear them out from under myself and watch myself fall spectacularly.  But if I don't make any goal and I don't take any steps, I never get anywhere.  So where is that middle ground?

All I know is that I must do this for my family, and I must do this for myself.  The rest is bonus.  So I will do my best to find the meaning in why I do things, not the expectations from others.  After all, do we live for the world or do we live for something else?  What do you live for?

Some say I live for me. Well, I, I live for my children, for my family.  And I live for more than that. Living for something is intrinsic to why I write.  It is the embodiment of my existence.  I don't think I reveal any more of myself than when I write.  My spoken words come out too quickly and often I am unable to edit them.  Thereby, like everyone in the world, I tend to say things, and everyone misses the true meaning behind my thoughts. 

Thoughts are such spectacular globs of emotion, color, dreams, thoughts, and memories that so much is lost in translation to begin with.  When I write, I can peel apart the glob, spread it out before me and study it, then translate it to the best of my ability into the English language.  Only then, do I feel I've given you a decent summary of those thoughts.  And even after, I realize I miss things and misrepresent areas of it.  But at least I get further than when I rush to say the first words that spring forward out of my mouth. 

What a tricky business it is, getting our true selves across in life to those around us in the world.  And in such a fast paced, self righteous world, we are easily caught up in the judgment of others as we also deploy to those around us.  It makes for a lonely world.  And a darkening world. 

So I will take my time, and open my thoughts to you.  Not because I want to, or because I think I can say or do anymore than anyone else.  It is to assure you that you are not alone, and the world is not as dark as we may have come to believe.  If you focus on the shadows, you miss out on the rays of the sun. 

So write to connect. Write to reveal the light.  Write to show the world that we can still connect.  All is not yet lost.