Monday, December 15, 2014

Within the Realms of Creation

Deep within my thoughts, within my soul, I feel it, ever stirring; ever dreaming; always creating. I have been speaking with my husband about my ideas. Yes, he knows my ideas. No, you cannot hold him ransom for them. He does not know everything, only the highlights.

I've spoken with him about three specific projects, some of them much more polished, one extremely rough.  It takes time to chisel them into their forms within my mind before I really apply them to paper. Like using a map, I must know where I am to go when I sit before those blank pages and begin to spin my words onto them.

I had a teacher in college who desired to take everything about writing and turn it on its head, including knowing where you were going when you began.  She required us to challenge ourselves by beginning with a simple sentence and then simply continuing on from there, not knowing where the story was going anymore than the audience. It made for some very poetic and moving words, and I learned so much about myself within that semester. I learned of my capabilities and my true desires, dreams, and wishes.

However, it is a method I only use in discovering and in foraging new lands within myself. It is such a great mystery and it will definitely be a practice I always come back to. It will bring the rivers of inspiration flowing into my mind and allow those stories to take root and grow within me.

Once I have a story in hand, I choose to work at it continuously until I feel that the form is complete within my mind. Until I am satisfied that the paper will not slow it down, nor hinder it. I'm just not sure if I'm a conventional writer. In the sense of outlining and mapping out in front of me. We shall see.

I did the normal mapping and outlining with this current project long ago. But it has since evolved into something much different, much more cohesive and original, yet familiar. At least, in my mind, this is how I feel. When I am satisfied with the sculpture in my head, I will chisel it out on paper and leave it be for a time, then come back, edit, and it will be done. Then I will be able to move on. Then I will be able to let it go and allow it to breathe on its own.

I may have said this before, but I don't care. Such words are worth reiterating: I have decided that I will write what I wish to read; what I feel is the empty void currently on all those bookshelves. I will fill in those gaps until I feel that the bookshelves are flowing fit to burst, and then I will be satisfied to fill all the other empty spaces I find with words.

That is all I have to say.

Friday, November 7, 2014

The Time is Nearly Upon Me

I've been working like crazy lately. My husband has a job where he works evenings, I work days. When i'm not at work, I'm pretty much a single parent. Same for my husband. The biggest drawback is that he gets such broken sleep as he doesn't get home until past two in the morning. The poor man ends up needing to wind down from work and not getting to sleep until around four, which inevitably means that the girls will wake up extra early so he has to get up when I leave for work.
Firstlings of Fall

However, through all of this, we are beginning to adjust and adapt. It may not be in the most efficient way, or in a way that allows us to get all that we need to done, but we are adjusting nonetheless.

Autumn is setting in here, and that is helping to keep my spirits up. My runs are becoming more and more breathtaking, which allows my creative juices to pour out in more liberal helpings.  I do so love a liberal helping of creative juice.

My fingers are itching to write' so much, in fact, I scrambled through the house to write thoughts on a page,and could not, of course, find anything to write on. I finally, succumbed to desperation and wrote in my journal, leaving a disclaimer that it was thoughts on a story and not my everyday burbling.

I wrote! It was atrocious! But I wrote. And I want to write so much more now! It is bothering me to not be able to have more time. Even now, I want to skive off sharing these thoughts with you just so I can write an actual story; share a world that I have created.

Thankfully, that time seems to be moving upon me soon. Things at work are lightening in my load, allowing my thoughts to be more free and open to the stories lurking in the shadows, my in-laws will be coming at the end of this month to stay for 4 months.  They are coming to spoil the girls, and I think I will let them.

I am so ready to write. I would stay up all night and write if my work and mothering didn't suffer because of it.

Some may wonder why I don't cut the strings and go in whole hog... Why don't I quit my job and write and make my way in a glorious tale of beating the odds?  Because I won't allow myself that luxury.

My family matters more to me than anything, even over writing.  To write, for me, is like eating and drinking.  It is a passion, a love, a sweet dream that sustains my soul.  But my family is my soul's oxygen.  I need my family protected and taken care of before I indulge myself. That is the way it is for me.  I cannot allow my family to suffer for the sake of my dream. It is mine and not theirs. And it is not necessary for them to suffer just so I can finish it faster.

I will write. I will sing on every page that I am blessed to entreat.  But I will wait if I must. When I have a moment, a day, a week, I will take it.

On a side note: my birthday is coming up and my husband has decided to shower me at random times with gifts.

He knows me so well!

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Sleepwalking in reality's dreams

I am exhausted. I wish I could say that I am coherent at the moment. All that keeps me on the fringe of consciousness is my diet cherry coke.

My husband just got a new job, hence the absence and the exhaustion.  I work days; he works evenings. So our days seem a little more like single-parenting than we'd like.  We'll just say that an adjustment period is upon us for the time being.  Hopefully, we will adjust quickly and things will even out soon.  I hope.

Things at work are amping up.  Towards the end of the year there are new things to pick up and learn that I haven't initially been trained in because well, they're only done once a year.  I have a business trip next week, and other important things coming up.

And it is fall, so Halloween is nearly upon us.  This evens it out for me, though it does add a certain level of stress in trying to fit in the family fun activities; like going to a pumpkin patch, getting costumes ready, decorating the house, and trying to remember all the stories and movies I watched at this time of year when I was growing up.

Let's just say I'm trying to take this one day at a time, on an average of 4 hours of sleep.  This is truly a difficult feat for me as I'm a hibernator.  I am one who enjoys snuggling deep within my cave of blankets and sleeping through the deep of night and into the warmth of morning. I relish my sleep, and at the moment, I envy its dreams and peaceful breathing.  It soothes my soul, calms my nerves, and keeps me levelheaded.

Needless to say, on four hours of sleep average for the past week or so, I've been a bit short with my girls.  It's annoying to not be able to control that snap attitude that blasts out of me when the girls act like, well, the little children they are.

But here I am, now rambling at you, and basically trying to say that this gibberish is my attempt at adding inspiration and creativity into my day.  It's been filled with everything else so far, and I think it required a little color on top.

Have a good evening, everyone! I hope to return soon, with more rest in my bones, and a better tale to spin.