Committing to the Dream

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

This is the time of year for me to reflect on all that has happened this year and to anticipate my goals for the coming year ahead.  Last year, I made several goals for myself. I'm more than happy to report that over half of them I did indeed accomplish!

This list included many wonderful things, including unsaid, unwritten goals that I honestly did not write down because I felt they would be too far out of my control to include on my list for the year (as in a stable job that pays money that will pay the bills as well as be a job I can grow and mature in for years to come)! I am elated at these accomplishments and I am eager to see what this year brings!

I do have 2 goals this year to accomplish that retain to writing.  And yes, one goal includes you!

1. Continue blogging on a more regular schedule.
2. Complete my book.

That's right. I'm daring to include it on my list of goals and declare it publicly. Why am I challenging myself to this so daringly (in my mind)? Because I want to hold myself to it, for one. And honestly, while it was a goal this past year that was not met (due to so many life changing events this last year), I feel that this is the year.  I felt the impression that it is so when I came across a quote earlier today:

"Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it.  The time will pass anyway."    ~Earl Nightingale

It hit me so hard. And truthfully, it's been weighing on my mind for awhile: when I should sit down and finally finish this. So I believe it is time.  Truly the time to take the time and write.

I have no idea how I'm going to accomplish this. I have no clue how I will balance everything. But I also had no idea how we were going to move across country in a matter of only 3 weeks with no idea of where we would live and how it would work.  Everything fell into place beautifully to move my family because it is what needed to happen for our family. So to will this fall into place.

So I'm committing. I'm saying it, loud and clear. I will have a completed book this year.

That sounds exciting! When can we begin?

Within the Realms of Creation

Deep within my thoughts, within my soul, I feel it, ever stirring; ever dreaming; always creating. I have been speaking with my husband about my ideas. Yes, he knows my ideas. No, you cannot hold him ransom for them. He does not know everything, only the highlights.

I've spoken with him about three specific projects, some of them much more polished, one extremely rough.  It takes time to chisel them into their forms within my mind before I really apply them to paper. Like using a map, I must know where I am to go when I sit before those blank pages and begin to spin my words onto them.

I had a teacher in college who desired to take everything about writing and turn it on its head, including knowing where you were going when you began.  She required us to challenge ourselves by beginning with a simple sentence and then simply continuing on from there, not knowing where the story was going anymore than the audience. It made for some very poetic and moving words, and I learned so much about myself within that semester. I learned of my capabilities and my true desires, dreams, and wishes.

However, it is a method I only use in discovering and in foraging new lands within myself. It is such a great mystery and it will definitely be a practice I always come back to. It will bring the rivers of inspiration flowing into my mind and allow those stories to take root and grow within me.

Once I have a story in hand, I choose to work at it continuously until I feel that the form is complete within my mind. Until I am satisfied that the paper will not slow it down, nor hinder it. I'm just not sure if I'm a conventional writer. In the sense of outlining and mapping out in front of me. We shall see.

I did the normal mapping and outlining with this current project long ago. But it has since evolved into something much different, much more cohesive and original, yet familiar. At least, in my mind, this is how I feel. When I am satisfied with the sculpture in my head, I will chisel it out on paper and leave it be for a time, then come back, edit, and it will be done. Then I will be able to move on. Then I will be able to let it go and allow it to breathe on its own.

I may have said this before, but I don't care. Such words are worth reiterating: I have decided that I will write what I wish to read; what I feel is the empty void currently on all those bookshelves. I will fill in those gaps until I feel that the bookshelves are flowing fit to burst, and then I will be satisfied to fill all the other empty spaces I find with words.

That is all I have to say.

The Time is Nearly Upon Me

I've been working like crazy lately. My husband has a job where he works evenings, I work days. When i'm not at work, I'm pretty much a single parent. Same for my husband. The biggest drawback is that he gets such broken sleep as he doesn't get home until past two in the morning. The poor man ends up needing to wind down from work and not getting to sleep until around four, which inevitably means that the girls will wake up extra early so he has to get up when I leave for work.

Firstlings of Fall

However, through all of this, we are beginning to adjust and adapt. It may not be in the most efficient way, or in a way that allows us to get all that we need to done, but we are adjusting nonetheless.

Autumn is setting in here, and that is helping to keep my spirits up. My runs are becoming more and more breathtaking, which allows my creative juices to pour out in more liberal helpings.  I do so love a liberal helping of creative juice.

My fingers are itching to write' so much, in fact, I scrambled through the house to write thoughts on a page,and could not, of course, find anything to write on. I finally, succumbed to desperation and wrote in my journal, leaving a disclaimer that it was thoughts on a story and not my everyday burbling.

I wrote! It was atrocious! But I wrote. And I want to write so much more now! It is bothering me to not be able to have more time. Even now, I want to skive off sharing these thoughts with you just so I can write an actual story; share a world that I have created.

Thankfully, that time seems to be moving upon me soon. Things at work are lightening in my load, allowing my thoughts to be more free and open to the stories lurking in the shadows, my in-laws will be coming at the end of this month to stay for 4 months.  They are coming to spoil the girls, and I think I will let them.

I am so ready to write. I would stay up all night and write if my work and mothering didn't suffer because of it.

Some may wonder why I don't cut the strings and go in whole hog... Why don't I quit my job and write and make my way in a glorious tale of beating the odds?  Because I won't allow myself that luxury.

My family matters more to me than anything, even over writing.  To write, for me, is like eating and drinking.  It is a passion, a love, a sweet dream that sustains my soul.  But my family is my soul's oxygen.  I need my family protected and taken care of before I indulge myself. That is the way it is for me.  I cannot allow my family to suffer for the sake of my dream. It is mine and not theirs. And it is not necessary for them to suffer just so I can finish it faster.

I will write. I will sing on every page that I am blessed to entreat.  But I will wait if I must. When I have a moment, a day, a week, I will take it.

On a side note: my birthday is coming up and my husband has decided to shower me at random times with gifts.

He knows me so well!

Sleepwalking in reality's dreams

I am exhausted. I wish I could say that I am coherent at the moment. All that keeps me on the fringe of consciousness is my diet cherry coke.

My husband just got a new job, hence the absence and the exhaustion.  I work days; he works evenings. So our days seem a little more like single-parenting than we'd like.  We'll just say that an adjustment period is upon us for the time being.  Hopefully, we will adjust quickly and things will even out soon.  I hope.

Things at work are amping up.  Towards the end of the year there are new things to pick up and learn that I haven't initially been trained in because well, they're only done once a year.  I have a business trip next week, and other important things coming up.

And it is fall, so Halloween is nearly upon us.  This evens it out for me, though it does add a certain level of stress in trying to fit in the family fun activities; like going to a pumpkin patch, getting costumes ready, decorating the house, and trying to remember all the stories and movies I watched at this time of year when I was growing up.

Let's just say I'm trying to take this one day at a time, on an average of 4 hours of sleep.  This is truly a difficult feat for me as I'm a hibernator.  I am one who enjoys snuggling deep within my cave of blankets and sleeping through the deep of night and into the warmth of morning. I relish my sleep, and at the moment, I envy its dreams and peaceful breathing.  It soothes my soul, calms my nerves, and keeps me levelheaded.

Needless to say, on four hours of sleep average for the past week or so, I've been a bit short with my girls.  It's annoying to not be able to control that snap attitude that blasts out of me when the girls act like, well, the little children they are.

But here I am, now rambling at you, and basically trying to say that this gibberish is my attempt at adding inspiration and creativity into my day.  It's been filled with everything else so far, and I think it required a little color on top.

Have a good evening, everyone! I hope to return soon, with more rest in my bones, and a better tale to spin.

Small Trinkets of a Treasury

I decided that today I would share a few old poems I wrote several years ago.  Feel free to comment, critique, or just enjoy:

10/28/2004
happy trees
dance and sway
in the joyful wind.


leapfrog leapfrog
hopping down the way
where is he going?
i cannot say.
but he hops
and he hops
hopscotching all the day
until he tires of hopping
and then hops home to stay.

10/29/2004
serpentine likeness
a body of shedding flesh
a mouth of smooth pink cotton
and the eyes of such predators
engulf the living whole
after its own touch of venom
slowly digesting the corpse
over an agonizing week
comprising a painful acidic death
its rattle should have whispered it
your mind should have decoded it:
warning you of its guise.

9/20/2006
may i go blind
and miss the sun
may i go deaf
and live in silence
may i be mute
my tongue limp and useless
may i never smell
another aroma of Christmas
but may i lose your love
then please
take my eyes, ears, nose, tongue, and fingers
with you
without you
they can only sense the darkness

Photo courtesy of Melanie Doi

i remember crayons
little fingers grasping tight to its
cerulean body
splashing the white paper with color
that only he could give it.

i recall sunshine
red tricycles glowing from its light
making it the greatest in all the world
the fastest in all the earth
more beautiful than all diamonds

i danced with a thousand fairies
flew with a thousand hawks
saw a thousand circuses
and laughed at a thousand jokes

i spoke a thousand languages
wrote a thousand books
i saw a thousand wonders
 that no one else could see
i lived a thousand adventures in every memory.

i could have kept going
but alas growing up took a hold of me and i forgot
as you did.

Photo courtesy of Melanie Doi

Trailing Thoughts

I am attempting to become a runner.  I'm not quite sure how that is going yet as I am very slow.  I'm about the speed of a turtle sprinting through molasses on a winter's day, but I am enjoying the outdoors, the trail I run on, and all the inspiration it brings.  

I try to do about 3 miles everyday between Monday and Friday.  It gives me time to think about my day, go over things on my mind, and most importantly, it gives my mind that time to wander.  More often than not, it's been roaming into my creative mind; my writing mind.

It started out as a way to get healthy, become more active, and give my body more energy to keep up with my one and three year old girls.  Thankfully, I have achieved two out of three. 

What I did not expect was the sudden creative flow that seemed to come out inside me.  Perhaps it's the scenery.  I won't lie, the scenery is gorgeous and definitely inspirational.  I am so lucky to have such a great trail run so close to home. The wildlife is quite spectacular too! And even quite friendly!

In the last two days, I've seen a total of 9 deer.  I've seen several butterflies, and I guess I must smell pretty sweet to a butterfly when I'm sweaty because they've definitely taken a liking to me at times, landing on me over and over again as if I'm some sort of flower.  Perhaps these butterflies have olfactory issues, methinks.  I've also seen hawks, gorgeous large birds of prey, the size of barn owls!

I always pegged myself to be a nature-lover from afar, but now I think I'm changing my stripes, or beginning to.  What better inspiration is there in life?

As I run my mind wanders, and suddenly I see the stories laying themselves out on that trail run, running along beside me, singing their tales to me through the cicadas and the birds.  It is magical.

This then gets my mind on the comment left by Melanie in the last entry.  I wish a mind-transcriber existed. I need one of those. Most definitely, I require them on my runs.  It would save a lot of time if I didn't have to write things down.  Even more, by the time I'm back at the car after a three-mile run, I'm afraid I just cannot remember every thought I've had.  Why do the brilliant thoughts seem to leap out of your mind the quickest?

So here's a task for someone: invent a portable mind-transcriber.  Do that and I will help you make millions! I won't even ask for a penny myself, so long as you give me one for free. 

Alas, it is that time to say farewell to the night and slip beneath the blankets to dream of velvety things.

Adieu, for the moment.

Transcendence

In many ways, picking up writing again, is like getting back on a bicycle. Sure, you never forget once you learn, but you're probably still a little wobbly and could use some practice before going back out in public.

Perhaps this only happens with me. Nonetheless, that's how it feels. I let my hubby go out for a bit so he could get some "him" time. We both get that rarely, so he took up the offer without much hesitation. The girls then took it upon themselves to play together in their room; and nicely too! 

I was sitting at the computer, thinking of what I wanted to do, and suddenly it came to me: write. Write already! I mean, I've been wanting to for so long. Why not now? So I did.

It took a long to time to get into that place. I turned on some music, tried to figure out where I would write (there is no document software on this computer curently), and then I stared at a blank page.

Within a few moments, I forced myself to type anything that came to mind. Once I was typing, it came to me, and I was writing. Badly, in my opinion, but I didn't care because I was writing again. 

Five minutes later, Megan was asking for her "boppy" which means bottle, and it was bedtime.

By the time I got back, I will be honest that trying to get back into that mindset felt a bit daunting. But that is part of being a parent, and it's something I will have to keep working at until I can slip into the mindset whenever I need it. It will take time, but it will come.

It felt great, by the way. Like coming home after an extremely long day.

How does writing feel to you? 

On the Other Side of the Coin

Gaps mean life is happening.  Shhhh, don't disturb it because I love experiencing life.

So much has changed since November.  I'm not sure if I mentioned beforehand, but I worked as a temp back in November.  A job opened up and three weeks later, the job was over.  After that, I didn't work for about a month until another posting came up.  With that position, I was commuting an hour to work (in good weather), and in Michigan (Northern USA, for you non-US peeps), good weather was very hard to come by in January.

I hated the position.  I hated the commute.  The job was boring, with little to nothing to do.  All that kept me going was my commitment to a friend that I would be at that job.  And the money was more than a little needed.

I hated that job so much, I cried after a week while at work.  I just didn't want to do it anymore.  I just didn't know if I could handle the on again, off again status with no vacation, benefits, anything.  And then something more than a little wonderful happened...

I had applied for several jobs over the last year.  More than a few.  I started branching out in October and November when nothing was panning out.  One job was for an Administrative Assistant position for my church in a tiny little town of about 6000 people in East Texas.  I applied.  My sister is planning to move to Texas this year (she still has yet to, but I'm holding her to it), so we wouldn't be too far from family.

I heard nothing, so I assumed the position, like so many others I had applied for, was gone.

I was at the end of my rope in late January.  All the schooling, hard work, everything that I had done didn't seem to be taking me anywhere.  I prayed so much that month.  I prayed for someone, anyone to give me a chance.  I guess Heavenly Father decided to give me that chance because the day I had to turn around after 3 hours of trying to get to work, to no avail (and I had to eat all that money in gas)... that day, I received a call from a thick Texan-accented man who wanted to arrange a phone interview.

It was a deer-in-headlights moment.  I wasn't sure if I should even call back.  Texas?! What had I been thinking to apply in Texas?  And a small town in Texas at that?

With some encouragement from my husband, I called back and arranged the interview for the next day during lunch.  The whole thing was nerve-wracking to say the least.

The interview lasted the whole of my lunch and breaks, and then I went back to work.  I got a text about 3 hours after the interview to call the guy back and when I did, on my way out to the car from work, I was offered the job.

I started crying again, in a great and wonderful way.  So my husband and I had a decision to make.  Can you guess what it was?

We moved to Texas, and for a little over three months now, I've been working at my new job.  It has cool things, like a 401K, benefits, a pension plan (I didn't even know they still had those), and vacation and sick time that I could accrue over time.  It's been a crazy and wonderful year so far.

So that, in a nutshell, is where I've been.

Have I been writing?  I've been wanting to.  Desperately, especially now as I'm beginning to get settled in.  I miss it, truly.  On the up side, I've been reading a lot lately.  And I've been spending as much time as I can with my family.

I'm also working on getting back into shape, getting healthier, and getting my energy back to do what I need and want to do.

It's an adventure!  Do I feel I've lost my way in writing?  Not really.  Not really at all.

Why not?  Because life is inspiration.  You can't glean inspiration by doing nothing.  I look at this as my research and development stage.  I see this as my inspiration.  My life, my family.

Even more, I'm happy.  And I think I write better than when I'm not.  And I think I'm more receptive to the world around me, in all its glory.

As for Texas, we love it.  Sure, it's hot right now (actually, fairly mild considering what it normally is), but I feel like I'm home.  Or at least, very close to home, here.

Writing is never better than when you're at home.  At home in your surroundings, at home in your head, at home in your heart.

I'm home.